Monday, June 29, 2009

Sun Burnt!

Have you ever had the problem of 'tan lines'? I have developed this over the last few weeks by my habit of wearing T-shirts and shorts in the sun (Hooray for the British Summer!). Hence, I have very pronounced brown arms and legs - and face (!) and the rest of me prompts the attention of Captain Ahab! (Ahhh – Jim Lad! Pieces of eight etc. You know the feller, went whaling, had one leg...oh..)

Anyhoo! Last Saturday whilst enjoying a pint of 'Browns Perfunctory' - a seasonal breakfast ale - in The Ropemakers, conversation turned 'there and there abouts' like that Welsh poet bloke when he was pissed. The idea was mooted (dread word!)to invent a suit of clothing to reverse this effect. Now I expect you can see the obvious drawback, but befuddled with the 19% brew I was sadly convinced that I was the man for this task. Generations of inventors and innovators may have suffered similar ignominious fates. Indeed - if I had the sense to have 'tried it on' (as the French say!) before heading to the 'family beach' I dare say the sight of myself in the mirror may have had a sobering effect.

Unfortunately this potential moment of rescue was avoided and so with tanned areas swathed and white areas exposed, like a sort of 'negative' rigged out of old tea towels, I spread myself out, at first oblivious to the shrieks and and wails. Really it is hard being 19 stone when you are only five feet 2 inches tall.. There was also no need for the lady 'Police officer' to have commented so freely about 'chipolatas'. 'weenies' and 'tiny todgers' . And what is 'halltoessis"? I did not feel the need to mention her gigantic crumpley breasts or moustache now did I? It is lucky some of know how to preserve our dignity, even in difficult circumstances.

Obviously, my invention though good intentioned is destined for the 'scrapheap of history' as Karl Marx allegedly said. One must always look to philosophers in these difficult times.


After my release I telephoned my old friend John Bercow to congratulate him on his election as 'Speaker' of the House of Commons, which after some muddle as Harriet Harman answered his phone and I said "How are you darling?" went well. He had time to let his assisstant 'Ed' speak to me. What a nice fellow!

Blog News

Our blog mascot - Mutley is ailing. Whilst he may recover as he has many times before - I am nevertheless starting a 'Blog fund' to have him taxidermied in a 'heroic pose'... my whip thin friend Giles, tells me that this is 'revolting' and 'in bad taste' - I think that is rich coming from a person whose genitals rotted off don't you? Once he dies – I shall update on this project here. Donations, obviously, to the usual address!


Saturday, June 20, 2009

400 POSTS!!


Just to mention this is my 400th post! So its time for a little nostalgia!

Does anyone remember my trip to North Korea?

My imprisonment in 'Old Smokey' the Bridport prison ship?

My exciting trips to London?

This little post is a retrospective of all of my zany antics. Please do visit my links to re-read about those events!

I still have the Google Search number one for 'sniffing the crotch of a latex cat suit' and 'forced to have sex with an old lady' - any google searches point to me first. As does 'snowboarding in Aya Napa' ... for unexplained reasons.

Do you remember when I accidentally poisoned all those school children? the day I slit my throat and bled on Princess Anne? The invasion of Iceland ? Doppelgangers day? In this exciting retrospective every link works to take you back to relive those days!!

'Lettuce Problems'! Do you remember that?

My new Hat! Thats an excellent post!

Giant boobs! Everyone has fantasies about them...

Are there any special Mutley memories you would like to share on my 400th Anniversary?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

June Bugs!


A flurry of emails have persuaded me - against my better judgment - to write a little more about myself. This Saturday I was awoken by the sound of the telephone 'mooing' - when I answered it was a man from the gas . A smell of gas had been reported in the street nearby. I slipped off to The Ropemakers for a pint of Old Lesbian No.5 (A summery brew based on extract of Foxgloves), where ****** the local literary sensation was having an early morning 'Caramac and Vodka' to calm his/her nerves. He/she was most interested to hear about my new 'writing' - I am planning on becoming a novelist some time very soon! At the pickle factory we are concentrating on orders for 'Summer Holiday Mix' - various pickles, including bootlaces, in turps. Thats my in-between-job you know.....Dr ** (as I call him !) said "Piss of you boring wally - I would rather put matchsticks under my foreskin than listen to another word from you." I love literary repartee don't you? I am sure one day I will craft a witty anecdote about my famopus friends for my auto-biography, oh yes! Still sometimes its hard not to be a little crestfallen....

The Radioactive Howler Monkey population is, as mentioned, highly intelligent. I was not surprised to be joined in the bar by two dressed in their trademark waistcoats and a fez (one each - obviously!). They turned out to be undercover Policemen investigating the recent outbreak of topless sunbathing (my local beach pictured above today) . It is hard for them as monkeys (monkies??) normally go topless!

Blog Question

Would you rather be famous as a literary sensation or just rich?

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Pies Pies Pies!!

Since my Blog sponsors as PUKKA PIES have only provided some hats and little flags as their end of the deal, I have been courting a new sponsor at internationally renowned pie makers GINSTERS - who have asked me as stage one of a 'take over' to publicise their little competition..

To win a years supply of pies or some other quite silly prizes and to visit their pie kitchens, you have to go to their website and the 'Create a Pasty Competition' page, and then make up a desirable pie of your own!

Obviously ideas spring straight to mind - like 'beetroot and venison' or 'turkey and chips' - but other ideas might be less obvious. ' Jelly baby pasty' for example...I am sure we can all have a chance of winning. I shall be submitting multiple entries of course and I hope you do to. If you do please mention this blog in your entry... I hope to achieve a reputation as a niche marketing blog for fat people products like pies and beer....

Blog Question

How many socks should anyone have? Now I am rich I have 11 pairs, I also have 7 shirts (!) 3 t-shirts and 6 pairs of 'y fronts'! I can last most of a week without a visit to the laundrette! Should I continue on this spending spree acquiring ever more clothes... will I end up like Imelda Marcos?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Personal Updates


Firstly, I have to apologise for the unpleasant tone of the previous guest post. My whip thin friend Giles is still in considerable pain following the failure of gender reassignment surgery and as such tends to be a little irritable some of the time. I have therefore discontinued the idea of guest posts and due to overwhelming demand 'taken the wheel' myself. It is a heavy burden, but one I gladly don, as educating and informing the public is a solemn duty.

I have been enjoying the last few days of my hols back in Brodport, after my return from North Oremsby - which is near Middlesborough. The skeleton with the luminous head enjoyed the trip, as did Geoffrey, the one headed micro Push-me-Pull-You. Though I think he is getting a bit 'up himself' as our friends in Essex put it - as he has been getting a lot of fan mail since publishing a 'cute face' photo of himself. Phew that was a long sentence.

Like my blogging commitment to the community, I now have the honour of serving on the Brodport fete and carnival organising committee. I was invited by Mrs. Scroggins who keeps the Pie shop on Fart Street during a percipient visit last autumn. I am afraid I was moved to decry the Fete like events, whilst ordering my "Turnip Surprise" pie.

"Those decorations are rubbish !" I said. And indeed they were - as they were literally stuff from bin bags on strings.
"If you think you can do any better you should join the committee!" Declaimed the Scroggins lady, her ferret like features contorted in anger.
"Done!" I replied and ever since I have been welcomed at Committee meetings with traditional words such as "Who they hell are you?" and "Are you a Mason yet?" and "Piss off you interloper!" Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some - ahem - have greatness thrust upon them. I did not seek high office, but it is my duty to serve etc etc.

In my next post I shall be writing a little more about the forthcoming Fete and Carnival and my other acts of public service.

Blog Question

Has anyone ever been able to grow and apple tree from a pip? I ask as I have the idea to plant a 'Memorial Orchard' for my friend Paul Weller who is very fond of fruit (I know he is not dead yet) but real apple trees are quite expensive. If I start planting now then I will have dozens of trees very soon if they grow. Does anyone know if this will work?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Phone Box


Guest Post By Giles the whip thin and genitally challenged.

The highlight of the town here in North Oremsby is the fucking telephone box.
Thats it.

The sex starved pathetic moron who writes Mutleythedog said in a leering and lascivious way "lets get a nice titty photo on your guest post" - as though I would be interested in such things. He only looks up tits on the internet for this blog as he imagines his every move is being monitored by the internet police and his future publishers - MacmillanHarper or Penguin - and so he has to have some kind of spurious 'research' excuse. He genuinely believes that someone is interested in him. Its very sad. Who would be interested in such a uniformly pathetic twat as him? Answer?

Both you readers I guess, which makes you double pathetic twats...

North Oremsby makes Dundee look nice. It is like camping inside a power station- with an imbecile and his imaginary friends,,,,

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Guest Post By Geoffrey



Guest Post by Geoffrey the One Headed Micro Push-Me-Pull-You....

Fnnerk neerk neerk ieeyy breeeekk asasdafgg eewew gweeerrty grwerrtuyoub!

Breewerk fneerk fnerk gneerk lneerk ! Xbadsgtruyetneerk, Rain , meergetrwaeded, bgrfat sjaksdjuthetfsh, ghgjg, ghgjgh, feneerk gnererak. Flickerr? rain, pollution, chemicals...pain


Fdcavgtisdhy!? greased greterdropis ? rain, rain, noise. Gnner geer gneer, gneer, freed triyut! Fnick, slobeer, fnick. Drunks, phnee, phnee, fighting.

Smell,, chemicals, grneer neer, bree, vner! Noise. pain cold. Mneer! Stabbed.

Cold, cold, cold, gneert. Beert, heer, fnick. Farts. he farts in the tent.

Blog News

Geoffrey, the Skeleton with a luminous head and I, are enjoying a holiday in North oremsby. Camping. I do love it here, its so 'gritty'.