Sun Burnt!

Have you ever had the problem of 'tan lines'? I have developed this over the last few weeks by my habit of wearing T-shirts and shorts in the sun (Hooray for the British Summer!). Hence, I have very pronounced brown arms and legs - and face (!) and the rest of me prompts the attention of Captain Ahab! (Ahhh – Jim Lad! Pieces of eight etc. You know the feller, went whaling, had one leg...oh..)

Anyhoo! Last Saturday whilst enjoying a pint of 'Browns Perfunctory' - a seasonal breakfast ale - in The Ropemakers, conversation turned 'there and there abouts' like that Welsh poet bloke when he was pissed. The idea was mooted (dread word!)to invent a suit of clothing to reverse this effect. Now I expect you can see the obvious drawback, but befuddled with the 19% brew I was sadly convinced that I was the man for this task. Generations of inventors and innovators may have suffered similar ignominious fates. Indeed - if I had the sense to have 'tried it on' (as the French say!) before heading to the 'family beach' I dare say the sight of myself in the mirror may have had a sobering effect.

Unfortunately this potential moment of rescue was avoided and so with tanned areas swathed and white areas exposed, like a sort of 'negative' rigged out of old tea towels, I spread myself out, at first oblivious to the shrieks and and wails. Really it is hard being 19 stone when you are only five feet 2 inches tall.. There was also no need for the lady 'Police officer' to have commented so freely about 'chipolatas'. 'weenies' and 'tiny todgers' . And what is 'halltoessis"? I did not feel the need to mention her gigantic crumpley breasts or moustache now did I? It is lucky some of know how to preserve our dignity, even in difficult circumstances.

Obviously, my invention though good intentioned is destined for the 'scrapheap of history' as Karl Marx allegedly said. One must always look to philosophers in these difficult times.

After my release I telephoned my old friend John Bercow to congratulate him on his election as 'Speaker' of the House of Commons, which after some muddle as Harriet Harman answered his phone and I said "How are you darling?" went well. He had time to let his assisstant 'Ed' speak to me. What a nice fellow!

Blog News

Our blog mascot - Mutley is ailing. Whilst he may recover as he has many times before - I am nevertheless starting a 'Blog fund' to have him taxidermied in a 'heroic pose'... my whip thin friend Giles, tells me that this is 'revolting' and 'in bad taste' - I think that is rich coming from a person whose genitals rotted off don't you? Once he dies – I shall update on this project here. Donations, obviously, to the usual address!