Seasonal Reportage

At this time of the year there is normally a huge increase in demand for pickles, and associated products as people stock up on condiments designed to render palatable the dreadful meats they intend to eat over the Yuletide holiday.  Beetroot pickle goes particularly well with roadkill like badger and fox, for example, whilst broad bean puree is traditionally married to hedgehog, in the words of the West Country poet Robbie Burns "When I tickle frae me Yuleish log, then its broad beans puree and roast hedgehog, to prood a'merry Christmas smog!"

Because of this working hours at the new "All Nights Picklery and 24 hour Delicatessen and Condom Shop" (as we are now known) are extended to 8 per day.  In the bottling plant, specially trained radioactive howler monkeys are busy - many sporting fake beards to mimic the Bridport Full Bloom - terrifying knee length beards worn by Bridport men and some women!  Whilst inmates from "Old Smokey" the looming prison ship in Bridport Bay, are also put to work, weaving Holly and barbed wire into exciting seasonal 

Y-fronts.  Druids seem to be on every street corner, selling fermented mistletoe liquors and wines, doughnuts and deep fried shore crabs in wraps of newspaper seasoned with vinegar and special brew.  Every third building is an Inn or Pub in these deregulated days and Landlords can be seen tossing sozzled Albanians into the backs of passing horse drawn carts which rattle backwards and forwards along the muddy glistening cobbles.  

Hordes of street entertainers, underage striptease artists, fiendish dwarves, card sharps, jugglers and mimics swarm between the throngs of shoppers and revellers.  Traders offer their wares with calls and so called Market Bellows- thunderous shouting damaging to the ears at 180 decibels, "TURNIPS- FESTIVE TURNIPS!"  is followed by "MOLE- D ELICIOUS MOLE - ONLY FIVE PENCE A KILO!"  Contrapointed by a fisher man pushing "TORBAY LUGWORM- LOVELY LUGWORMS!" and so on and on.  

Hallucinatory drugs- wormwood, Nutmeg and dried beetles, as well as special mushrooms, make up the seasonal ware of the traditional apothercar - or dentist, his carved wooden stall, is a source of 

the many lovely smells, which almost mask the stench of beetroots and burning rubber.  The screams of exotic animals being slaughtered- mainly wildebeest and parrots, can be heard from the huge abattoir - the outpouring blood in the blood gullies is sold in local hostelries and Kindergartens, where it is much in demand for birthday parties.  

Preparations are well underway for the Winter Equinox Parade and the burning of the Wicker Phallus - the tarbaby has been selected, its heartbroken parents imprisoned and seasonal lynch poles erected!

Christmas is Coming!!

Blog News

Inter-blogular border war has again broken out with a Danish Family blog, whose photos of outdoor sports have transgressed into Blog Territory, fighting is ongoing but victory is predicted.  Similarly on our western border a Japanese language blog has been repelled, as has a blog promoting handicrafts based in Canada! Territory has been ceded on a tactical basis to a London based political swear blog, and refugee posts and comments, trailing words and even letters have been resettled in huge tented camps guarded by Blog forces!  A statement released by the Commander of Blog Forces says "We shall fight them in the paragraphs, and columns, in the add-ons and widgets, amongst the awards and links and we shall never surrender!"