A Traditional Valentines Day!!

Here is how we celebrate a Traditional Saint Valentines Day in the Doven town of Brodpirt - which naturally enough it is one of 98 additional bank holidays - so even the prison ship workers, the beetroot miners and the tenders of angry turnips are off work. Pubs open early -usually around six am selling Valentines Beer, Old lesbian No.6 coloured pink with sheeps blood, valentines day punch - made with beetroots, crystal meth and industrial alcohol and the "Faggoty Man" - a traditional breakfast whose actual contents remain a secret.

The great Valentines feast is soon under way. This consists of a kid stuffed inside a sheep stuffed inside a new forest pony, stuffed inside a six legged deer,and all roasted over a tyre pit fire inside a bull. This meaty monstrosity is eaten all day long - and alcohol befuddled and be-whiskered peasants queue patiently all day to "fill their pockets" - each one equipped with a crowbar and a specially sharpened traditional lock knife, with which they stab each other.

The hearts of the animals are eaten separately roasted on a great skewer of wood reclaimed from the sea (ahem...) as a sort of giant heart kebab. Men who eat this are said to have additional potency for a year - so the fights can be a bit nasty!!

Local fisher folk harpoon and pull ashore a "Basking Shark" - always common in these parts and roast it alive -its terrified squeals adding to the mayhem. Music is equally traditional, a ska band plays on every street corner and a hapist perches above the hangmans noose on every lampost - all under the direction of 80's pop legend Buster Bloodvessel, whilst specially created mechanised morris men dance through the town raping schoolgirls and grannies alike!! What fun.

The days events include the erection of the Giant Vegetable Phallus next to the Mosque Red Ken built on the top of Bridport Hill, and sports all afternoon - log wrangling, death defying, toss the Mini Metro and as well childrens games involving inflating condoms and safe sex (courtesy this year of St Bumdicks Primary School - special thanks to Headmistress Mrs Sneeze).

The Mayor of course presides giggling arm in arm with his two traditional scantily clad lovelies who as a special treat flash their boobies at Police cars and at the gaggles of black clad divorce lawyers who flick ash from their cigars in return whilst scattering heated pennies to the urchins.

The day ends with PUFFIN NIGHT!! The Valentines day twist is that all the local old peoples homes are obliged to participate as well as the usual loonies and the physically differently abled.

Publicans have a field day, as for Public Order reasons they are allowed to set fire to annoying guests and a cheery blaze of screaming Albanians lights the evening sky. Even over at Needle Park the junkies and addicts join in the fun, running through the streets their little white legs a whirl of speed - and LSD, Crack cocaine, heroin etc.Some even survive the mayhem by climbing to the top of Monkey Puzzle trees and pelting their pursuers with the contents of their nappies.


By midnight when the curfew bell sounds radioactive howler monkeys churn industriously through the streets eating rubbish,corpses, and left over meats, so by the next day all that remains as "evidence" is the odd prosthetic limb or pair of special glasses glinting where their owner fell..

Everyone returns to their homes terrified of 'the coming of the dark' or to private parties -or orgies - where the traditional food is freshly cooked hearts. No questions asked!! Everyone is invited to mine tonight - should you wish to come- I shall be opening the 'cooking sherry' which at 10 pence a litre is the cheapest legal alcohol in the world!!

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All your Valentines may be sent to me at mutley.thedog@gmail.com. Its surprising that everyone has forgotten me so far - still the day is young!!

Like my friend Goodo Fawkes I keep a keen eye on the blogstats here - and we have been averaging over 200 visitors a day since Christmas searching on such topics as "grannie sex" "forced to have sex with a horse" "desperate pensioners gagging for it" "oldie porn" "Snowboarding in Aya Napa" "Latex cat suit fetish"and "licking a crotch"!

So thanks to GOOGLE and the internet!! Isn't technology marvelous?