Mea Culpa!! Made up Posts...
Mea Culpa !!
I am guilty of entirely inventing recent posts. I am not going to Australia or anywhere else. Sorry for that.
It is little wonder I make up these posts. I have nothing even faintly interesting to blog about. I lack the ruthlessness required to have really strong opinions. I do not want abortion banned, Britain to leave the EU or rich people killed. I am not a racist and I like gay men. I cannot decide between Israel and Palestine, and I have no idea who should be Mayor of London... Nor do I care.. I simply don't know on most policy things like that. To have really strong opinions you have to be able to imagine crushing some one or something beneath your feet. Like sacking government officials, or killing people or something.
"You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs". Ok, so I cant decide if I want an omelette then...
I do not have time to research the history of skipping or to analyse economic statistics from Wales in the 1920s. I do not have any "really special little guy who is my life" to take crappy photos of, and these are not "my stories about raising him to tell". Nor do I have some special knowledge of some branch of physics or computing or whatever to write about. I have no specific religious convictions - I do not support any football team, I do not collect anything
nor have any "great business tips" to pass on... I do not have any "exciting collection of photos of Victorian moustaches" nor am I addicted to drugs and I am not visibly having a public nervous break down. ... I am not standing for Parliament, nor do I believe the world is ruled by a conspiracy of masons that it is my duty to expose. I am not sexy nor would anyone like to see me naked..
Most of the time I would give my life 6 out of 10. Tonight I would give it 1 out of 10.
I am a pretty useless average divorced, penniless twat basically.
Heres some stuff that really happened to me this week.
Got three job rejections in the post. Thanks but no thanks
Got two job rejections by email. Thanx but no thanx XX C U L8R!!
Got a parking fine because the ticket I had got fell off the dashboard and was on the floor of the car.
Got briefly rendered penniless when the Tax Credits people decided they had paid me £3,000 too much, when they have never given me any money ever, despite applying 10 months ago. Thankfully they gave it back the next day.
Had no hot water of heating as the boiler has been condemned (wondered why I had been having morning headaches - Carbon monoxide!!) and spent Saturday night alone in a cold flat,
Would anyone like to hear about that? No... ok. I shall be making a trip to mars next week, by space shuttle. Or something...
Here is a picture of the gorgeous 'Bonita' with her knockers out...
65 comments:
Are you feeling sorry for yourself, Mutley? Actually, I think you have great achievements which you hardly ever mention. Here is a story for you. Your political views are also very sound and Bonita has great tits for a woman.
There is always room for a boob shot.
You might think you really have nothing going on or going for you - but you write funny and you have a great sense of humour and I like you.
p.s a lot of those blog types you mentioned, they can be highly overrated.
Big girl!
Gorilla Bananas said...
Are you feeling sorry for yourself, Mutley? Actually, I think you have great achievements which you hardly ever mention. Here is a story for you. Your political views are also very sound and Bonita has great tits for a woman.
I am not really feeling sorry for myself Mr GB - well just a bit but with good reasons - its kind of you to remind me of the kids, of course thats true. And your link is very clever.. you are a nice man.
Betty said...
There is always room for a boob shot.
You might think you really have nothing going on or going for you - but you write funny and you have a great sense of humour and I like you.
p.s a lot of those blog types you mentioned, they can be highly overrated.
I wish I was going to Oz now... I didn't mean to sound as though I feel sorry for myself, because I am not. What does not kill you makes you strong.
Randy Higham said...
Big girl!
Bigger ones are better your randiness!!, I actually know her...
Back too it Mutley I say. Your short stories about your wonderful lied will soon make you a very rish man. Just ask that nice Mr Dale to publish them for you.
Little can make me laugh more than your stories about radioactive howler monkeys!
I read blogs for the same reason I read books, and watch tv. To be entertained. And as far as I'm concerned, you're one of the most entertaining ones out there.
So to whoever says this shit to you, I say send over my way and I'll give em a good old Aussie "GET FARKED!!!"
BTW, that sucks about all thats going on. Give it time. It'll turn around.
i told you never to post those. those were private pictures, something that was supposed to stay between me and you. like the huge, erect, red hot
flashlight that you shake up to make light up.that was a GIFT. not a weapon. not meant to be used on the man who came to fix your boiler. not used to smash his skull into a thick mealy paste. no.
your random violence and romantic transgressions have made me feel quite feverish, however; is it warm in here or is it simply an erotic form of tourettes that you inspire in me? heavens; you mad dog you! i must go expose my breasts to another photographer whilst reclining upon spendy yard goods and clutching my knickers again. you will excuse me.
No problems making up posts, they were enjoyable.
(has nothing to do with the picture in this post.......well a little)
ps
that shit passes. you, however, will remain. (())
Whatever about your post, but Robbie Williams is one of your favourite musicians?! Were you being water-boarded at the time?
Mut, I was just going to make up a post, because I have nothing that will add to this splendid reflection on the banality of life. The only excitement around here has been "some animal" that has been killing the neighbor's turkeys (and it's not even creepy like a chupacabra, b/c we've seen coyote prints). Ho hum. That's really it. And I'm home alone on a Saturday night.
I meant a comment. I was going to make up a comment.
Mutley, I'm sorry that life is not treating you well at the moment, nor the wretched tax people to boot.
Most of our lives are dull as ditch water and we'd probably all be better off inventing stuff. But we don't have your talent for it so we rely on you to do it for us. So don't be letting us down now.
That lady is photoshopped you know.
hmm... came over here wondering if you were the "Muttley" that I knew from Air Force days...
obviously you're not, but thanks for the naked breasteses!
have a great weekend.
Oh Mutley... I think you're a very good writer *serious*. Possibly you could make it big (authors mostly start out poor :-) )? I think if I were a publisher (useless to say, I know; it's never been one of my ambitions), would surely want your short stories... :-)
And as betty says, you're humorous (which is important); even with this post that's out of your usual style, I was thinking to myself how witty it was (til I got to the part about giving your life 1 out of 10, and then I realized it was true...! :-) Well, even with that whole list of things you're not interested in, and possibly because of it, I think you're a very interesting person! You'd have to be, to write the way you do :-)).
As for useless, that's easily remedied ;-) Go make yourself useful somewhere ;-) (volunteer...hehehe... who knows, it might open a door of opportunity, you know)...
Bottom line: if I had a list of top blogs, yours would be on it, so don't knock yourself... (and it's not what you write, but how you write, so feel free to write about anything, I'd say... :- ))
Oh, and at least you have a dog! :-)
Are you toying with our emotions so we'll take up a collection to send you to Australia?
Poor poochie. I still like you.
I on the other hand am against certain things.
You seem to be a breast man.
mutleys owner
You are not in a good place.
Hitch has been in the pits of despair, luckily I have had hands offered to me to pull me out.
mines open to yours
Another thing
Mutleys owner
The worst thing you can lose in life is hope, and oddly when we lose that, good things cease to come to us.
Saying "cheer up" is stupid, you have to be proactive DO SOMETHING
even if its scrubbing a floor or taking up running, something you can look at as positve.
then the other good stuff will follow.
Regards Hitch
Dearest Mutley, I'm sorry you've had such an awful week. You're not a twat and your life isn't boring or empty. I, for one, would read anything you care to write about. And I'm glad you don't want to crush anyone or whatever. I feel exactly the same about my life sometimes and I'm sure a lot of people do - much more often than you think. Your posts are wonderful and I think they brighten a lot of our days. But you've every right to feel down and every right to tell us about it. You have so many friends out here, you know. Love from Sicily x
Oh come on Mutley.
I thought you liked my victorian moustache blog.
Mutley, life deals out sone shit.
But having a blog, makes you lucky.
You can share it with total strangers.
A problem shared, is a problem halved.
A problem posted, is a weight off your mind.
:)
Aw, we love you Mutters! I've only found you of late, thanks to welshcakes, and I'm very glad I did.
We don't mind if you talk about the rubbish sometimes. But we like the make-believe too. And I really believed you were on the coach to Koolgarlie now!
It could be me speaking from 'I lack the ruthlessness required etc' I can't even decide if I'm wishy or washy.
But hey, wiat a minute, is it me you're talking about with the crappy photos?!! xx
Oh, and I used to think I had big boobs! I do not believe hers are real!!
I had a feeling you were making some of that up but it was fun so what the hell.
I have several post ideas a day but time constrains me.
I'm sure your mojo will be in full swing again soon, its just taking a rest.
Perhaps I'll save telling you how great my life is for another day. ;-)
Wait. You're NOT coming down under? I just fixed up the spare room for you!!!
Mutley why dun u make a living out of trashing job rejections LOL!
Keshi.
Awww Mr M.
I shall dispense with the insane optimism just for this comment.
Look at the positive stuff , if nothing else you have blogging infamy.
You created Puffin Night and put Bridport on the map
You have imagination and charm , and as MR C helpfully commented on my blog , it could be worse.....you could be me(cheeky bastard).
Anyways one of the job applications will come right , its only a matter of time.
Mutley,
these made up posts are great! See you soon in Melbourne, I'm the guy at the airport waving an ear wig.
xox Rups
CityUnslicker said...
Back too it Mutley I say. Your short stories about your wonderful lied will soon make you a very rish man. Just ask that nice Mr Dale to publish them for you.
Little can make me laugh more than your stories about radioactive howler monkeys!
Mr Dale ignores me these days - little does he know I am on the executive committee in Maidstone. tee hee!
The radiocative howler monkeys are true ...only the Australia bit was not..
phishez_rule said...
I read blogs for the same reason I read books, and watch tv. To be entertained. And as far as I'm concerned, you're one of the most entertaining ones out there.
So to whoever says this shit to you, I say send over my way and I'll give em a good old Aussie "GET FARKED!!!"
BTW, that sucks about all thats going on. Give it time. It'll turn around.
Given just how many blogs there are its quite amazing how few of them are really worth reading. I sometimes do the next blog, click through to get some random selections, and so few are worth reading, perhaps 1 in 50.
Yours is brill by the way..
FirstNations said...
i told you never to post those. those were private pictures, something that was supposed to stay between me and you. like the huge, erect, red hot
flashlight that you shake up to make light up.that was a GIFT. not a weapon. not meant to be used on the man who came to fix your boiler. not used to smash his skull into a thick mealy paste. no.
your random violence and romantic transgressions have made me feel quite feverish, however; is it warm in here or is it simply an erotic form of tourettes that you inspire in me? heavens; you mad dog you! i must go expose my breasts to another photographer whilst reclining upon spendy yard goods and clutching my knickers again. you will excuse me.
Blimey Ms FN, you are going at it like a hammer today!! I think you have fantastic breasts and they deserve a huge audience...
Lord Nazh© said...
No problems making up posts, they were enjoyable.
(has nothing to do with the picture in this post.......well a little)
Good evening your Lordship, I was worried you might have me shot or something... Bonita is fun isn't she... ??
Andrew K said...
Whatever about your post, but Robbie Williams is one of your favourite musicians?! Were you being water-boarded at the time?
No Robbie Wlliams is not one of my favorite musicians - I thought he was someone else. What does "water boarded" mean??
Helen said...
Mut, I was just going to make up a post, because I have nothing that will add to this splendid reflection on the banality of life. The only excitement around here has been "some animal" that has been killing the neighbor's turkeys (and it's not even creepy like a chupacabra, b/c we've seen coyote prints). Ho hum. That's really it. And I'm home alone on a Saturday night.
7:03 PM
Delete
Helen said...
I meant a comment. I was going to make up a comment.
The one about Coyotes is quite made up I think, everyone knows there are very few coyotes in the Bristol area... its probably an escaped tiger!!
jmb said...
Mutley, I'm sorry that life is not treating you well at the moment, nor the wretched tax people to boot.
Most of our lives are dull as ditch water and we'd probably all be better off inventing stuff. But we don't have your talent for it so we rely on you to do it for us. So don't be letting us down now.
That lady is photoshopped you know.
The rest of my blog is true, just the trip to Australia was just made up to add colour to my life.
Bonita is not photoshopped, I have checked personally...hard work but someone had to volunteer!!
BUMBLE!!! said...
hmm... came over here wondering if you were the "Muttley" that I knew from Air Force days...
obviously you're not, but thanks for the naked breasteses!
have a great weekend.
I think you cannot be sure I was not in the Airforce - I do not recall any white monkey things called Bumble either...
-eve- said...
Oh Mutley... I think you're a very good writer *serious*. Possibly you could make it big (authors mostly start out poor :-) )? I think if I were a publisher (useless to say, I know; it's never been one of my ambitions), would surely want your short stories... :-)
I have started out poor and am likely to end that way as well... I am not offended by this as a genius is never recognised in his own country..
And as betty says, you're humorous (which is important); even with this post that's out of your usual style, I was thinking to myself how witty it was (til I got to the part about giving your life 1 out of 10, and then I realized it was true...! :-) Well, even with that whole list of things you're not interested in, and possibly because of it, I think you're a very interesting person! You'd have to be, to write the way you do :-)).
I am not intentionally funny you know - I was hoping my blog shed light upon the major questions of the day. Really, its all a bit much
As for useless, that's easily remedied ;-) Go make yourself useful somewhere ;-) (volunteer...hehehe... who knows, it might open a door of opportunity, you know)...
Bottom line: if I had a list of top blogs, yours would be on it, so don't knock yourself... (and it's not what you write, but how you write, so feel free to write about anything, I'd say... :- ))
3:00 AM
Delete
-eve- said...
Oh, and at least you have a dog! :-)
3:02 AM
You are right - I do have a dog, I may have to eat him for Xmas dinner, would you care to join me??
MJ said...
Are you toying with our emotions so we'll take up a collection to send you to Australia?
No I was just feeling a bit shit really, but if you like to take up a collection on my behalf I would rather it was in kind for tax reasons. I am very fond of "peanut brittle"....
Little Lamb said...
Poor poochie. I still like you.
I on the other hand am against certain things.
You seem to be a breast man.
I like you lambie - but I know that the USA has different standards on the nudity thing, and I did not want to offend you. I once saw a news report from the US from a beach at Cannes where the topless sunbathers were pixellated. That is just weird...
The Hitch said...
mutleys owner
You are not in a good place.
Hitch has been in the pits of despair, luckily I have had hands offered to me to pull me out.
mines open to yours
Thanks - I am genuinely moved by that kindness. Do not worry I am OK, It is looming unemployment which scares the pants off me and leaves me in despair on occassion. But I carrry on trying..
The Hitch said...
Another thing
Mutleys owner
The worst thing you can lose in life is hope, and oddly when we lose that, good things cease to come to us.
Saying "cheer up" is stupid, you have to be proactive DO SOMETHING
even if its scrubbing a floor or taking up running, something you can look at as positve.
then the other good stuff will follow.
Regards Hitch
I am still busy at work, but I am finished at the end of the year. I have no idea what more I can do than keep applying...I cleaned the whole flat this weekend..
Welshcakes Limoncello said...
Dearest Mutley, I'm sorry you've had such an awful week. You're not a twat and your life isn't boring or empty. I, for one, would read anything you care to write about. And I'm glad you don't want to crush anyone or whatever. I feel exactly the same about my life sometimes and I'm sure a lot of people do - much more often than you think. Your posts are wonderful and I think they brighten a lot of our days. But you've every right to feel down and every right to tell us about it. You have so many friends out here, you know. Love from Sicily
Thats all very kind of you Ms. Limoncello, but I notice you have STILL not invited me to visit Sicily - nor did I recieve a food-parcel as Ihave repeatedly hinted I would like.. *winks*
Crushed by Ingsoc said...
Oh come on Mutley.
I thought you liked my victorian moustache blog.
Mutley, life deals out sone shit.
But having a blog, makes you lucky.
You can share it with total strangers.
A problem shared, is a problem halved.
A problem posted, is a weight off your mind.
:)
Well I do like to moustache blog - obviously - whats not to like - and I know you have worked hard on it.. still. I think I have bored everybody stupid with my post - I only left it as the list of blog types was quite funny. I hate feeling sorry for myself - it doesn't suit me at all.. a problem shared might be a problem doubled of course *grins*
reccomended by a friend
www.totaljobs.co.uk
GOOD LUCK (+:
Liz said...
Aw, we love you Mutters! I've only found you of late, thanks to welshcakes, and I'm very glad I did.
We don't mind if you talk about the rubbish sometimes. But we like the make-believe too. And I really believed you were on the coach to Koolgarlie now!
I know your believed me - it made feel so guilty that I had to come clean, especially as it is obvious that you do not know that The Sea of Japan which has some of the deepest water in the world, cannot be traversed by bus...
It could be me speaking from 'I lack the ruthlessness required etc' I can't even decide if I'm wishy or washy.
But hey, wiat a minute, is it me you're talking about with the crappy photos?!! xx
9:43 AM
Delete
Liz said...
Oh, and I used to think I had big boobs! I do not believe hers are real!!
I have decided that I am not wishy washy - that is enough politics for today! I like your photos of course they are brilliant as indeed are your boobs *cheeky grin*
Wolfie said...
I had a feeling you were making some of that up but it was fun so what the hell.
I have several post ideas a day but time constrains me.
I'm sure your mojo will be in full swing again soon, its just taking a rest.
Perhaps I'll save telling you how great my life is for another day. ;-)
I have a lot more ideas than I have posts as well, I shall enjoy reading about your wonderful life soon!!
Steph said...
Wait. You're NOT coming down under? I just fixed up the spare room for you!!!
Why? There was no need as I am happy to share with you ....
BEAST said...
Awww Mr M.
I shall dispense with the insane optimism just for this comment.
Look at the positive stuff , if nothing else you have blogging infamy.
You created Puffin Night and put Bridport on the map
You have imagination and charm , and as MR C helpfully commented on my blog , it could be worse.....you could be me(cheeky bastard).
Anyways one of the job applications will come right , its only a matter of time.
I am really sorry about all these things - but the truth about Bridport must out!! I do not make up any of that stuff..I think the law of averages suggests I must get a job eventually doesn't it??
Rups said...
Mutley,
these made up posts are great! See you soon in Melbourne, I'm the guy at the airport waving an ear wig.
xox Rups
You are silly - Melbourne is a tiny village in Derbyshire and does not have bus stop let alone an airport! I like waving ear wigs thought - their little legs wave back!!
The Hitch said...
reccomended by a friend
www.totaljobs.co.uk
GOOD LUCK (+:
Thank you very much for that!!
> I think I have bored everybody stupid with my post - I only left it as the list of blog types was quite funny
Not at all! It's nice to see the man behind Mutley for a change :-) And no, don't eat him... I've never had a Jack Russell; perhaps you'd care to trade? I'm sure my Cocker spaniel is much fatter... ;-)
You would not like him Eve - he is old, smelly and very cranky..
as you know mutley i have been sorting some things myself...it happens to us all...only thing i can offer is a warm place to stay if you are ever in the states...i always keep space and would never begrudge another dog owner...however i do have three bitches and they are rather demanding...
hang in there and get yourself some dog kisses...they make the entire world go away even if it is just for a few moments...
EVE
You're Chinese
We all know that you would like nothing more than to eat Mutley in a spicey sauce, then turn him into a stylish bag (+:
Its the Chinese way
MUACK
Daisy
would that be my shed place that you are offering?
As long as Mutley promises to not fuck my leg (or anything else)
I dont mind sharing, all I ask is that room mates dont lick their (or my) balls
my dearest hitch...i would never give your place in my shed to another...i was offering a place in the house...every dog has his day hitch...
Both the funniest and saddest post I have read in a long time.
I had exactly the same with the parking ticket. I wrote a nice letter with a copy attached and got let off. Worth a try I suppose.
Can I say anything to cheer you up ?
You sound like a very fair and nice man to me. ;-)
btw mutley...i do have a fondness for you...you are the only other person i have met online who has used their dogs name as their own...i do the same...daisy is the maltese on my blog...
Daisy said...
as you know mutley i have been sorting some things myself...it happens to us all...only thing i can offer is a warm place to stay if you are ever in the states...i always keep space and would never begrudge another dog owner...however i do have three bitches and they are rather demanding...
I think I could handle them - given a few hours of rest...
hang in there and get yourself some dog kisses...they make the entire world go away even if it is just for a few moments...
Excellent advice Daisy - thank you for that... I do feel a lot better now
electro-kevin said...
Both the funniest and saddest post I have read in a long time.
I had exactly the same with the parking ticket. I wrote a nice letter with a copy attached and got let off. Worth a try I suppose.
Can I say anything to cheer you up ?
You sound like a very fair and nice man to me. ;-)
Thanks EK, I have sent a letter with the ticket to a person called a "Parking Ombudsman" - what a fun title to have!! I imagine him wearing a Turban and silk trousers and sitting on a flying carpet saying "I am Ombudsman the Great!!"
mutley if they havent got a photo of your car they are stuffed
ask for it
Per ardua ad astra -
You're a nice man, it'll get better - see I wrote beeter, I come here and all I think of is beetroots - xx
Awww Mutley, I really don't like reading that you're a bit down :-(
What kind of work do you do? Have you looked this end of the world or are you keen to stay in Bridport? I'm sure it would be difficult for you to leave, considering Bonita's magnificent boobs, but maybe 'tis time for you to look further afield? (Just an idea)
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