Australia Here I Come!!

Here is a Little Exchange Giving some details of my forthcoming visit to Australia courtesy of my friend Rups who is an Ozzie!!

I Shall be staying with MISS BOOB but I hope to travel about as well!!

You can see more of Rups HERE!

Our Internet Conversation!!

Rups said...

Mutley,

what a day - but at least you are coming to Australia, I would pack and not pack the following ...

Thank you for going to all this trouble Rups.. I do appreciate it. Everyone says that Australia is the 'Friendly Isles' - how right they are!!

1) if you've a kit bag it is best to store your troubles in it. Customs are very funny when it comes to troubles, they think it they may contain fruit fly.

Point taken - is it allowed to bring in some giant mutant toads that I have? They usually travel everywhere with me...

2) Fosters. Do not bring any Fosters into the country, they will immediately get their sniffer dogs to locate it and send it back.

I Have 24 bottles of 'Old Lesbian No. 4' a traditional West Country brew... I trust this will be acceptable?

3) Put one of those trick shock buzzes on the handle of your suitcase - Australian baggage handlers love a lark and if you beat them to it they wont substitute the toothpaste tube in your toiletry bag with barrier cream.

An hilarious idea Rups - I hope they are equally amused in my transfer airports in Baghdad, Cairo and New Delhi...

4) You wont need Wasabi, Australians put Wasabi on everything, even abrasions.

What is Wasabi ?- my dictionary suggests it might be a little kangaroo which seems possible. How do they put a tiny kanga on an abrasion?? I am looking
forward to finding out!

5) A couple of spoons - good for busking, Australians will end up supplementing your holiday expenses with their generosity usually made up mostly of coins from New Zealand.

I am bringing my harp for those busking moments... perhaps you can accompany me on the spoons!!?

6) If you are going to Queensland, wear anything fluorescent in colour, they all wear it - and caps with mirrored sunglasses, and board shorts.

I have some green lycra shorts and a nice white vest I can save for 'Queensland' - what a mysterious name!!

7) Don't bring any books, on the whole you will appear to be a "suspicious learned type" and probably capable of toppling the country, in a villainous way.

Thank you for this warning - I shall bring only my 'Rubiks Cube' as entertainment..

8) Two types of thong - ones for your feet and one for your crotch.

You are silly - who would wear a thong on their feet?

9) A tape recorder or mini disc, you may find yourself playing back what someone said during the day and having to spend a few hours of careful translation.

I have been learning 'strine by watching old Dame Edna videos.. still thanks for the tip..

and best to keep on your toes, when Australians say the word "mate" they are really asking if you would like to have sex with them, we have been confusing this in this country for a few hundred years.

That does sound exciting !! I am looking for making loads of new 'mates'!!

Rups xox :)

And Thanks to You Mr Rups!! I am already feeling like The waves of Bondi beach are lapping between my hairy white toes or that I am walking in 'Queensland' listening to the romantic calls of the Galla Galla Bird! I can see the sunsets over the Sidney Opera House with perhaps a few aborigines toasting kangaroos on big fires... or the exciting 'Ayers Rock-o-Rama Stair lift and Water Ride' !! I must definitely visit Alice Springs (my mothers name was Alice!!), and Ottawa, as well as New South Wales which I believe is very similar to old South Wales.

Is it true that every 'hostel and backpackers' room comes with 'Koala Bear' to cuddle?? I hope so! I am mostly hoping to walk everywhere or use public transport.. how do you get past the Great Barrier Reef?

Sorry to burble on... Does anyone else have 'top tips' like Rups on having the best possible Ozzie experience? I have already signed up for a 'Dreamtime Coach Trip'(from Brisbane to Melbourne!!) and I have tickets to see a show called "Waltzing Matilda- Featuring the Rolf Harris Morris Men and Barbers Shop Quartet" !!

I have packed 90 condoms (Tesco Economy Brand!! - 3 sizes 'Wrong', 'Very Wrong', and 'Very Very Wrong'!! ) Will this be enough? What if I meet Ms Smack ? (EEEEEK!)