Getting Fit by Snowboarding!

I decided a few days ago in the light of recent events to follow the modern example and try to increase my level of fitness via dieting, jogging and such like things – like exercising. My research has revealed that the first thing one requires is “Exercise kit including a sports bra”. I cannot say this was the first idea I had but it does seem reasonable and with this in mind I paid a visit to a recently opened Emporium “Simply Sports” to acquire the preferred garments of the habitual jogger.

I was greeted by an alarmingly athletic woman at the door of the shop with purple hair “You can’t smoke in here Grandad!” She said – without provocation, as I had not asked her if I could smoke. “Its against the law – even for coffin dodgers!” she continued.
“I am only 43 “ I replied with the quiet dignity I try to affect at all times. To which she gave a manic cackle.
I stubbed out my ciggie –and without a word entered the shop, from which loud pounding music was emitting. To my surprise it was full of clothes of the kind I thought I should get, sports shoes with knobbly bits on them, shiny shirts in garish hues and heavy duty weights, balls of different sizes and colours and all sorts of bats.
“So what sport were you thinking of taking up?” Sniggered the purple haired wench, eyeing my tartan trousers with the bicycle clips still on and my slightly racy pale grey cardigan …”Crown green Bowls?”
I have to admit that I rose to this bait – not least because despite the purple ‘mop-top’ (as I believe they are called) she was rather cute!
“No!” I replied! “I am taking up marathon-running and er…” I glanced round the shop “I am in the Extreme Snowboarding World Championships!” I said reading from a sign. Wading deeper into troubled water I continued, “All my kit has been stolen and I have had to raid my Grandads wardrobe to come shopping!”
This Dear Reader, was a fatal error.
It did appear to produce the right impression. Of course, but it also lead me to a series of unwise purchases.
As well as the running kit, which cost over sixty pounds “What are you on a budget?” she asked as I selected the cheapest ‘training shoes’ I explained that I was hoping my stolen kit would turn up and I did not want two expensive pairs.
Which sounded lame even to me – the King of Lame.
I also own a ‘Snowboard’ and related paraphernalia – such as ‘Wax’, very tight shorts, a t-shirt thing made of some kind of thin metal, a sports bra, dark goggles a soft floppy skull cap in orange and some other plastic things. My total bill was £780, but it did not stop there. I had been relaxed in the knowledge that Miss Purple could not expect me to perform any ‘snowboarding’ as there is no snow here in Devon. But as I left the shop carrying my ridiculous purchases she said loudly
“Come and meet me tonight at the INDOOR SKI CENTRE (!!!) - Its Snow boarders night and you can show us some of your gnarly moves”…
She gave me a card with the address and a little map on the back to be sure that it is impossible to get lost on the way. Damn these card designers and their informative ways. She had an amused look in her eyes so I am not even sure she believed me in the first place. The only ones to gain from this so far are the North Somerset Bat Protection League who kindly sponsor my credit card. What with London and this I think I have sponsored a whole Belfry full of the bloody things!!

I have got a book on surfing from the library and have been practising some moves in the stairwell. Do you think I should go? Ms Purple was awfully pretty…and I do look good in my snow boarding gear.